Masquerade
by Shin-chan1
Summary: Duo contemplates on life after Heero leaves


POV Warning: *kinda* yaoi. Implied 1+2. I think. Disclaimer: (looks around and whispers frantically) I kinda forgot to put this at the other fic. but please don't sue me! Everybody knows that I do not, can never, and most probably never will own Gundam Wing. *sigh* They belong to a whole lot of great people. Yup. Definitely not me.  
  
~Masquerade~  
  
Life is nothing but a masquerade. You wear masks, and never let the true you show. Not even to those you consider more than anyone else in this deceptive world. Why, you ask? Because if ever you show your true limitations, desires, and needs, everyone else will devour you, kill you.  
  
A weaker food for someone stronger.  
  
That is why everyone protects themselves.  
  
Masks. You can't trust anybody even when your body protests, and even begs for you to do so. Well, at least that is what I believe. And those things never let me down. Ever. I have seen more people kill their families, loved ones and so-called friends just so they themselves could live - or get whatever it is that they want. More than I have seen people willingly sacrifice themselves for the sake of others. Not that I can guarantee that those same people would do likewise should another situation arise. Trust me on this. Living nearly all of my life on the outskirts of a relatively violent city taught and showed me quite a lot more than my age would suggest.  
  
Heh.  
  
Now you wonder why on earth I am speaking to you about this. Me, the eternal joker and prankster speak about something seriously? Well, simply put, I have found someone - or rather, my instincts had - that I can trust with my life. Someone whom I can finally show my true self without having fear of being made vulnerable and attacked at any moment. Someone who can accept me even without my usual mask around.  
  
Against all my previous realizations.  
  
Well, as remarkable as it is, this put me in a rather difficult situation. Not that I for once suspected him of only deceiving me, or every one else for that matter. As a matter of fact, I don't believe he is capable of doing that. You see, he is the Perfect Soldier. Or more accurately put, *was* the Perfect Soldier. I don't think he is anywhere close to that damn title of his now. Hell, this new him may even last forever, if I put my hopes up to it. Never again to be thought as an expendable piece of instrument, but as what he really is: a human being with emotions. But, as I was saying, he can't possibly have a mask because all emotions was trained - I mean *drained* - out of him. You see what I mean? He can't pretend when he has nothing to hide.  
  
Yep. I knew I had to face the facts sooner or later. And you know me. No sense in delaying anything, ne? Afterall, it only makes the waiting worse. So after some deliberation and debating with my other stubborn self, I finally came to the conclusion that I had already suspected from the beginning.  
  
Hai!  
  
*I* was in love with *Heero Yuy*, of all the most unlikely person I can possibly be paired with.  
  
But, still typical of me, I thought we were the best couple ever made in the whole wide universe.  
  
Now, as I have mentioned earlier, this secret love (oh, who am I kidding?) - and *more* than a little lust - of mine placed me in a rather difficult situation. On one hand, I have my instinct (which I have *always* followed before), which keeps on chanting in my head in that irritatingly little voice of his: 'go for it! go for it! you loooooove him!' - with the matching pompoms in hand. Damn. I hate it when some part of me sounds like Relena. (1)  
  
Ahem.  
  
Anyways, as I *was* saying, on another hand I have the little piece of reality I managed to still hang on to, which I'd rather call my street- sense, that screams, pulls, and generally reminds me that absolutely NO ONE can be trusted, even if that someone is still being reunited with his locked-up emotions.  
  
Not that I for once ever believed that claim since we first met and I shot him.  
  
^-^;;;  
  
Hey! That was in the past and things were different than they are now. Besides, he was trying to kill Relena when I saw him. So, who am I to just stand by and watch while another innocent being dies right in front of my eyes? I have already seen that all too much, and I made a vow to myself to never let that happen again.  
  
If I only knew in advance how much of a pest she turned out to be...  
  
But again, that is beyond the point.  
  
So, once again, I had to decide and do battle with myself: my instincts versus my street-sense.  
  
Heh. Just as I thought.  
  
I decided to follow my instincts, and went off to tell him.  
  
And just as I feared, he rejected me.  
  
Funny how life is, don't you think? Just how they manage to make things appear the complete opposite of what they really are, then turn it even more, jumbling the facts even better... until one is never sure of what *is* and what once *was*. And those damn masks make it even worse.  
  
I know those people will just say that this is what I get for jumping into conclusions fast enough, for taking out my own protection and willingly allowing myself to get hurt. For violating the rule of the Masquerade, the sheer charade and essence of life. For trusting someone.  
  
For loving someone.  
  
That is how life goes. The strong survive and the weak must die. (2) Everything else revolves around this, and how best to cope with it? To shield ones self and bury ones self deeper in the cocoon of lies and deception. To continue on pretending, until you're never sure of who your true self really is.  
  
But you know what? I don't care anymore.  
  
I just... don't care...  
  
Have you ever looked deep enough into a person? Deep enough to know all about his hurts and sufferings? To know how he covers up what he hates about himself, with something he believes is much better in the eyes of others? To know just what kind of person he tries to hide beneath a smile or a peal of laughter? To see all of his scars and ugliness, and still... appreciate him for who he truly is?  
  
Well, I have.  
  
And I have loved every moment of it.  
  
I saw all of this in Heero's eyes - no matter how much he will definitely try to deny it. And I have learned to accept the whole of him. No questions asked. I loved him - still probably do - and I learned to love every part of him, his flaws and perfections alike.  
  
And you know the funny thing here?  
  
I had no regrets in doing so.  
  
Sighs.  
  
And I still smile and laugh like nothing has happened. As if I hadn't learned enough that just disguising the pain doesn't take it away. It only makes it worse.  
  
But, still...  
  
People depend on me, on my jokes... my smiles... my happiness... heh, maybe even my voice.  
  
Do they even know that I am bleeding inside? That I have to force myself to get up everyday, cover myself up all over again, and still manage to carry on for them and their own problems?  
  
No. Of course not. How could they? I have learned much in my life. My mask isn't that easy to break; easy to see inside.  
  
But don't mistake me. I have tried. In my own little way, asking for help, seeking guidance. I still do. It's just that...  
  
No one has ever listened to me before - I mean *really* listen to what I'm trying to say inside and not on what I'm currently babbling about -so why should I even try now?  
  
The point is, I'm tired of how the world works. How we should all play by their rules.  
  
I'm tired of this Masquerade.  
  
I'm tired of this silence.  
  
And I'm tired of hurting.  
  
So... so... tired of all this.  
  
Loneliness.  
  
Well, I guess I better go now. Maybe the faster I leave, the less it will hurt. Hn. I don't even know anymore.  
  
And maybe...  
  
just maybe...  
  
After all this play is done, I finally won't be alone. Free.  
  
Finally after an eternity of waiting, I could learn to live again.  
  
~Fin~  
  
  
  
Little authors notes:  
  
(1) Remember that this is Duo's POV 'k? He is supposed to hate Relena. I don't *really* hate Relena (except when ppl. pair her with Heero. Brrr.... No offense to those who like 1+R.) As a matter of fact, I admire her for being able to lead a nation at the age of FIFTEEN. Sighs. But THAT is as far as it goes. (2) Sorry. It was just appropriate for the paragraph. I just had to insert Sou-chan's (or rather Shishio-san's) saying here!!! ^_^ 


End file.
